I'm presently up in Scotland organising various bits and pieces around a major conference, and Jesus Christ it's hard work as always. If there's one thing anybody should learn about doing a job like this, it's not to be fooled by offers of free meals and drinks - there is indeed no such thing as a free lunch. If it's free, it's because somebody wants to talk to you about work for a very long time indeed (until eleven in the evening in some cases) and has decided to throw in some steamed seabass to sweeten the deal. You will feel replete, I can assure you of that, but you'll be much more tired than if you'd stuck to the ham sandwich on hotel room service. Be warned. When people say "It will just be half an hour of chat until we settle down to getting drunk, ha ha", it's never the truth. If it's just half an hour of chat they want, they can give it to you in a meeting room for a mere fraction of the cost. And if you get drunk with business associates anyway, it will always end in tears (sometimes literally) and possibly a loss of confidence in your work. Do you see? No, don't thank me, it's what I'm here for.

And whilst I was here, I got thinking about the muzak hotels and conference suites use. You see, my hotel bar is rather uniquely using the Easy Star All Stars album "Radiodread" as its muzak. Available only on import in the UK, this particular disc consists entirely of (actually extremely good) reggae and dub reinterpretations of the "OK Computer" album. As muzak, however, it's oddly distracting, especially if you're in a hotel on business. One thing sure to put you off your work is a bunch of ranting Thom Yorke lyrics about the evil of men in suits and their unnecessary meetings. Perhaps the hotel manager is being subversive, but I would ask him or her to reconsider their choice of soundtrack. It makes me feel uneasy.

Continuing the topic, I would also add the following songs to the list of things which should never ever be used again for hopefully obvious reasons:

Lighthouse Family - Lifted. Gentle Jesus, make it stop. This is usually used to soundtrack concepts which are meant to reassure and relax mature people. Holidays, political parties (who aren't, like, Evil), Health Spas, old people's homes, in fact just about fucking anything that generates tranquility rather than excitement over the last ten years it seems. The Lighthouse Family must be a very happy clan. I hope their lighthouse gets fucking decommissioned by the Government like all the others, myself. I've heard enough. And it better had not be a "listed coastal building" either.

Republica - Ready To Go. Quite the opposite of the Lighthouse Family's opus, this one. This is constantly used to generate youthful excitement, except of course it sounds like what it is - a bunch of mature chancers in a studio attempting to sound like thirteen year olds having a sugar rush after swallowing too many Nerds. It says nothing of consequence("shoutin' out.. baby, I'm ready to go... on the rooftop... yeah"), makes a bunch of stupid pre-programmed synth noises, pounds away, then disappears again, presumably making it an easy choice to soundtrack footage of people - I dunno - skiing, falling off mountainsides (hopefully), jogging, enthusiastically scribbling down business plans, flying in helicopters... whatever.

I would like to say that I wouldn't like either band to go without a pension, but the reality is that actually I wish they did have to do proper jobs for a living. Proper jobs that involve going out to events and having to hear their drivel broadcast to an entire room all day and night, so they'd finally understand how bloody insufferable it all becomes.

If I were a dictator, I would ban all music in advertising and promotional clips. We might appreciate it more then. Except in the case of Republica and The Lighthouse Family, of course, I doubt it would seem like a better prospect under any restrictive circumstances.